Miss Understood

I’m an introvert and I like it...


I am tired of being misunderstood.  I’m tired of other people thinking I’m intimidating, arrogant and anti-social. I’m tired of people thinking if I just tried a bit harder I’d really love social gatherings and engaging in hours of directionless conversation.  I'm tired of being tired...


Simply put introverts are drained by socialization...it takes a lot out of me when I do it.  The world in which we live seems to reward and praise the extrovert, even if it borders on what I, an introvert, would consider manic!  And people think I’M crazy!


Honestly, large social gatherings aren’t particularly fun for me, albeit with friends, family or strangers. I am not missing out on anything. I don’t miss it because I don’t want it. This is how introverts feel about social situations. If I wanted to hang out with a dozen people at once, engage in mindless chit-chat for hours, believe me I would.  Even my husband’s family, which is extremely large, doesn’t get me, and I’ve been involved with them for 20 years! 


This is not to say I am not social. It’s just that I take socialization in little pieces and prefer to be more situationally sensitive. I excel at one-to-one interaction.  Any client of mine will tell you that.  Give me a laboring woman and…HELLO…I come alive!  I prefer solo activities which engage my mind. This doesn’t mean I never hang out or participate in large groups; it’s just that unlike an extrovert, I don’t need to. And that’s an important distinction.


So don’t be confused or misunderstand my behavior. I have a very vast, rich and full life. I have a wonderful family.  I’m into birth, babies, families, running a doula business and interacting with wonderful, thoughtful people. I do go out to great restaurants, see fabulous concerts and shows, and enjoy hanging out with my family and a few close friends.  I read.  I think.  I spend hours listening; it’s amazing what you hear on the wind and what floats back when you keep your mouth shut.  Sometimes the things I hear about myself hurt…devastatingly so.


So I’ve put together a list for dealing with me. These are general tendencies and patterns. I don’t care if you follow them; I just want you to understand them and therefore; me...


1. Don’t put me on the spot and expect me to perform.


This one is mainly for other adults. I can be somewhat awkward in social situations, so don’t misinterpret my behavior as a deficiency in hearing, sight or language processing.  I’m not an idiot and I’m not being a bitch. When you ask a question there may be a delay in my response and I could talk in a soft monotone, avoiding eye contact. When I’m comfortable with my surroundings I’m extremely verbal and my tone is very expressive.  I have a photographic memory but I need quiet to activate it.


2. Don’t throw me into complex social situations and expect anything but silence and withdrawal. At least at first.


To an introvert this is a no brainer. To an extroverted world an introvert‘s natural response to social stress can be misinterpreted as aloofness or arrogance. It is neither. I simply feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I eventually warm up, let me.


3. I need time to get used to you. Don’t take it personally if I don’t immediately engage you because you said hi.


Introverts need time to warm up to someone. Once they let you in, they can be quite talkative and physically demonstrative. Until then though, don’t expect much. I am not being rude and it has nothing to do with how I feel about you personally.  Be patient.  I’ll eventually talk your ear off.


4. I recharge my batteries by being alone. Don’t take offense if I leave and go off by myself for a while.


I have been known to disappear at family functions, conferences or even workshops during sessions, lunch, coffee breaks or when I feel overwhelmed.  I am not being anti-social.  I process information internally. I need to look inward to find my center and make sense of new information or an unfamiliar situation. An extrovert looks externally to accomplish the same thing. It’s really not a big deal...I always come back!


Introverts are like layers in an onion. You just have to be patient. Some onions are just harder to peel than others.  And I have many, many layers.  You'd be surprised at what you find when you start to shed them...